Baraka Yo Mama Is Not The President

posted February 28, 2009 by Jer


I am not the proper Splurdagumi for this rant. I only like Deadpool and consider his character to be a satisfying counter-balance to the ret-conned shit pile that is the Marvel Universe. However, when I learned that in the Wolverine movie, Deadpool would be portrayed as a bald, stitched mouth Baraka Clone, a little part of me died forever.

What is wrong with you? Yes, I'm talking to you, Internet. You represent what is left of the free will of humanity, and what do you do with it? You pay money to see Twilight instead of Let The Right One In and Saw 5 instead of Repo! The Genetic Opera. It's your fault there will never be another Serenity movie yet Indiana Jones and the Glass-Boned Aliens grossed $317 Million in the US.

Stop buying shit, stop reading shit, stop playing shit and stop watching shit. If you stop funding shit, shit will stop being made. If, for example, Marvel stories suck because of constant retroactive continuity and the destruction of characters through poor writing and overuse, STOP BUYING THEM.

I can't really blame you entirely, Internet. I also blame your parents. I once read a rant about how our generation is doomed because all the great art and creativity of past generations can not be matched by ours. This is completely untrue. With very little effort, I can go out into the world and find truly beautiful independent games, comics, film and music. Unfortunately, that is exactly what doesn't make it to the mainstream. Mainstream used to be interested in originality and creativity, but those things aren't the guaranteed investment they once were, especially when they're compared to nostalgia and recognizable franchises. Original ideas are treated with ire and contempt, and judged critically with your harshest venom while the bland and familiar is consumed with gluttonous frenzy. Why do you even care if Watchmen is ruined as a movie? I loved the book. I have fond memories of the book. I'm willing to let the movie potentially enhance my love of the book, but I refuse to let it ruin it for me. There are more important things for me to focus on. For instance, just to toss out a specific example, local music.

I think I feel better now. Hollywood ruins everything it touches now, I shouldn't be bothered - or even surprised - that they added Deadpool to the casualty list. After all, MArvel recently portrayed Deadpool rather well in Hulk vs Woverine. All I can do is support the proper stories and be realistic about the fact that Marvel can't be counted on for consistency. I'll just go watch Ironman again and learn to cope.

But so help me, if you pay money for this shit and complain to me about how much it sucked, I swear I'll stab you to death with a rolled up copy of Flight.