Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

posted May 27, 2008 by Allison

AllisonI walked into the theatre with some pretty low expectations, and left extremely disappointed. Between the poorly CG'd groundhogs, the monkeys, Shia The Beef and aliens, I really wanted to hurt the creators. Badly. With a plank. The beginning wasn't bad, I may even daresay it was good, despite the really bad Harrison Ford body double and the groundhogs. Seriously, who decided the movie needed groundhogs? Well, the rest of the movie was the sequel to AI, written while Lucas and Speilburg watched The Mummy on repeat. I figure the aliens were there because Lucas was upset about how poorly Star Wars 1, 2 and 3 did. There were many things about this movie that bugged me.

One, Shia the Beef. I'm sorry, Shia, you did well playing the nerdy kid in Transformers, but as a greaser? No. You look twelve. And now you have an action flick that looks like a mix between the Matrix and The Bourne Trilogy coming out? Heh, that should be good. Also, your character was useless. You delivered a letter, then stood around trying to act like a big, tough archaeologist so that you can make a feeble attempt at taking over Harrison Ford's place in future Indy movies.

Two, The Crystal Skull itself. It looked like plastic and was carried by the actors as if it was plastic. The thing clearly weighed nothing, and for something SO STRONGLY MAGNETIC, it only seemed to attract metal when it was dramatic.

Three, ALIENS? Are you SERIOUS?

If you're going to see the movie, see it in theatres, 'cuz there are some pretty neat fight scenes and some interesting stuff that just won't work on a small screen, but don't expect much.

The five cupcakes are to distract you through the sucky parts. They're really big cupcakes, too.

Rating: 5.0 cupcake