My fellow Americans, I'd like to officially announce my 2008 candidacy for President of the United States of America. I'm as serious as you're willing to take me seriously. I will be on the ballot in no states. I will be spending $0 on my campaign, aside from the hosting fees for Splurd.com that I already pay. I will be counting on my constituents to voluntarily write my name on their ballot. Yes, you can do that. You can vote for anyone you want, regardless of whether their name is there.
The following is an outline of how I intend to save this doomed-ass country.
If elected, I will work to abolish federal sales tax. I will also abolish federal income tax for families making 50K or less a year. Taxes for families making 50K to 100K will stay about the same. For families or individuals making more than 100K per year, I will tax the ever-loving crap out of you. There will be breaks for small business owners and doctors, but no one else. Get ready to pay us back, bitches.
I intend to declare war on Mars by 2020. Not war against Mars, mind you. Just on it. I'll end the Iraq war and bring the fighters here. All of them. I'll set up an area in our own desert which we will call the Sanctioned War Zone, or SWZ. There will be an open invitation to anyone in the world who wants to fight some war. There will be two teams: Red and Blue. Blue will be the Patriots, headed mostly by Americans and our allies. Team Red will be the Resistance, and will be formed of anyone who hates the U.S. and wants us to die. Anybody may be a participant: Terrorists, fundamentalists, convicted criminals, anyone.
Once inside, participants may scream whatever messages of hate they like, and the world can hear them due to the constant television coverage. There are no laws in this zone, allowing participants to kill, rape, and torture to their heart's content. Entry into the War Zone is voluntary. Exit will be difficult but not impossible. A tribunal of independent psychological professionals will determine if a participant is fit to re-enter society or requires hospitalization. The tribunal also has the power to refer exiting participants to a court of law for prosecution in a court of law.
The SWZ will be set up and guarded by our own military. Inside the SWZ, firearms and explosives will be prohibited. The War will be fought with swords, axes, bows and arrows or any other medieval style weapon. Funding for The War will come from televising it. Extra funding raised by television sponsors will be used to promote higher education in science and math. Using these educational programs, we will spend the next 12 years panning a mission to build the human race's first extra-terrestrial colony on Mars. Depending on the popularity and necessity of the Sanctioned War Zone in 2020, we will consider relocating it to Mars, moving the majority of warfare off of the planet Earth entirely.
Abortion and Homosexual Marriage
I am morally pro-life, however I am socially pro-choice. Abortions still happen in countries that outlaw them - they are just performed by coat hangers instead of doctors. For public safety, health and well being, Roe vs. Wade will remain the law.
I will combat abortion by promoting adoption. I will make the adoption process easier and less costly for any family seeking to raise a child in this way. I will also increase the number of parents able and willing to adopt a child by fully legalizing homosexual marriage. The state will officially define marriage as "The union between two people who intend to build a family together."
Free Speech and Censorship
Anyone can say anything they want. If there is ever a measure taken to censor a particular point of view for obscenity or public safety, the same measure must make clear in what venue the point of view is appropriate. There must - by law - be a time and place for EVERY point of view, no matter how radical.
Guns and Gun Control
I support the 2nd amendment and the National Rifle Association, because when the state has weapons and the people do not, the result is Tiananmen Square.
In matters of US foreign policy, the bill of rites applies to all citizens of all nations. We will never treat a foreign citizen in a manor we would not treat a U.S. Citizen, in wartime or peace. If we have apprehended a criminal in a time of war, that criminal will face due trial, so the evidence against them can be made public and there can be no question of their crime. No one is above or below the law.
Vote for me. Just do it. Got any questions? E-mail me at