Shoot Em Up, or Clive Owen Kills a Bunch Of Guys

posted September 13, 2007 by Jer

Jer

I'm eating a carrot right now. Less than an hour ago, I was watching Clive Owen kill a lot of guys in the movie "Shoot em' up." Forget everything else you've been told about this movie, this is what you NEED TO KNOW: This movie will make you want to eat a carrot. You remember Samual L. Jackson eating a burger in "Pulp Fiction?" Remember how BADLY you wanted a cheeseburger and some Sprite after that scene? Imagine an entire movie of Sam Jackson eating burgers slowly and REALLY enjoying them. Yeah, it's like that. And let me tell you, this is a DAMN good carrot.

"Shoot Em Up" was hilarious. Q says we don't need Sin City Two thanks to this, and Big Josh says it's everything one would expect from a movie that is named after it's own genre. I say the movie would have been just as good if it was called "Clive Owen kill's a lot of guys." Besides the carrots, I can say Clive Owen is the only human being on the planet who could have sold this movie. If anyone else tried it, it would have been campy and lame. Only Clive 'King Arthor' Owen could do this recockulous ass movie with such a stone-straight face and make it that fucking hi-larious.

This paragraph is full of spoilers but the next one's safe. I've been getting better, but when the robot baby head came out I couldn't help screaming "Where the FUCK did he get that?" I mean, Q pointed out this is a movie where a guy gets a carrot shoved through his face in the first scene, but SERIOUSLY. Also, the sex scene where Clive doesn't stop having sex while he continues to kill guys was one of the hottest things I've seen in an R rated movie. That's about it, end spoiler.

"Shoot Em' Up" is a triple-espresso movie. Technically, I was drinking Red Bull, but I haven't added that to the vice rating system yet. Like most of our ratings though, that means jack. Go watch it. It's great. Make sure you have carrots in your fridge.

Rating: 3.0 espresso