If it ain't broke...

posted July 15, 2007 by Q

QThis is going to make me so unpopular. I can't wait!

In our house, we have the following gaming systems: Three GBAs, three DS's, one Crystal XBox, A PS3, a Wii, a Gamecube, two desktop computers. Incidentally, I do feel that this is indicative of modern middle class households.

Yesterday, I realized something very important, and I am about to share it with you, dear reader.

I hate every single next gen console on the market today.

I hate wireless remotes. A remote is not supposed to need charging. Your TV remote doesn't need it, why does the fuckin' PS3 one need it? Everything in a console should be self contained, and, save for electricity, should not need the extra upkeep of charging.

360 is fucking clunky. Always has been, always will be. I miss the bottom trigger button.

I never liked Playstation's controllers. I'm sorry, I don't speak in Geometric shapes. "Press square" doesn't help me because unlike A, B, X or Y, shapes don't come in a set order. I know B is behind A and such, does square come before or after oblong? I never could remember that.

Sony's marketing campaign for any and all of it's recent products has been a joke. The PSP offers nothing, (No. SH Origins is not worth getting a PSP for, thank you.) and generally, brand new machines don't lock up 2 hours after they get out of the box. Morons.

THE WII IS STUPID!!! You look stupid playing it, possibly nearly as stupid as when one plays DDR, you look stupid saying "Wiimote", and your Mii looks nothing like you!

I hate using the Wiimote. I hate it for 'console' games, I hate having to control Link with it, I hate selecting anything with it, and it's raining in Shanghai! Seriously! Who the hell buys a gaming console to look at the weather?!

My theory? Nintendo was hoping their competition would try the Wii, accidentally bludgeon each other to death in the process in a Leet Darwinian LARP, thus clearing the way for Nintendo to create a monopoly.

I remember the good ole days when all you had to do was pop the game in, press start, and that was it. And my SNES's setup was so sweet I didn't even have to change to channel 3 before it would work.

By the way? I hold no brand loyalty to any console. To me, it's all about which games are accessible. And I love my DS to bits. His name is Roswell.

Just give me Silent Hill and more DooM and I am a happy little gaming letter.