I don't know where to begin.
I'd like to believe that Hollywood hasn't completely disenchanted me, that I'm not a bitter and cynical adult doomed to never relive her childhood. I remember the excitement of an X-Men movie, of a Spiderman movie. I remember the awe of seeing my childhood heroes on the big screen. So why wasn't I all "It's the TRANSFORMERS! On BIG SCREEN!"?
In this section of the rant, we'll handle things in point form.
- There was no depth to any human character. The only human I remotely liked was the 'endearing soldier with a family back home'. Not because he had a family back home, but because he ...didn't pine for his kid every three seconds. There was no hokey dialogue like "I'm going to live so I can see my daughter's first birthday."
-No chemistry between ANYone. At all. Not the parents, not the kids, not the FBI agents. No one.
- The humor was painful. It was hamfisted, stilted, and relied on stupidity(Ha ha, they're playing DDR. Ha ha, Donuts! Ha ha Taco Bell Dog.), not wit.
-Even the Autobots said the parents were annoying.
-They learned how to talk from the internet huh? So, how come none of them spoke like a cat macro? My invisible All Spark, let me show you it!
-The fat, pathetic black guys. You did not get one breath of my laughter. Screaming "SHUT UP GRAMMA!" to your grandmother is not funny. You respect your elders. Especially when you're an adult and living in her fucking house you fat piece of crap.
-The hacker bot. Aww, poor guy, was George Lucas no longer taking applications for droids for his re-re-remastered-remake special delux version of Star Wars? Better luck next time.
-"I AM MEGATRON!" What the hell was that? I know when I get out of bed, my first words are "I am Q!" Seriously. What the fuck was that?
-Cinematography. Here's a hint guys: If I can't follow the action on screen? I don't care about your movie. All I saw most the fight were blurs of colour, rubble and sparks. That's not action, that's flash and CG and I'm not impressed by it. If I can't follow what's going on then I am not emotionally invested in the characters or the movie and thus bored. Fun fact! My brain shut off and eyes glazed over at least twice during the climactic battle. That's not right. My brain even went "Well, it's sweet that they paid homage to their anime roots by showing nothing but movement lines. ... ...Wait."
-Hi Hasbro! I almost didn't see you there what with all your product placement.
Now for the real reason that I don't care:
I am a butthurt fangirl. Yes I am.
I'm not that big of a Transformers fan. I remember glimmers of watching it when I was something like four years old. The very few things that stuck out in my mind were Optimus, Megatron and Starscream.
It's my impression that Starscream, like Bumblebee, has stood the test of time. Love him or hate him, you know who he is and you remember him. Hell, he even was 'resurrected' in Beast Wars. That episode alone rekindled my love for the whiny, sycophantic backstabber.
He was such unused potential; there could have been a beautiful subplot of StarScream wanting the AllSpark for himself, or playing both sides of the field, or gaining the kid's trust (Jet beats car any day) and then BOOM, betrayal. No. No he said two words, shot some bottle rockets at Bumblebee, then flew off. I don't care that he's paving the way for a sequel, that's not enough to make up for the lack of his presence in the first movie.
I just can't believe they would get that SO wrong. That's about as wrong as they could have gotten it.
The only thing they got right enough to make me not piss myself in rage was the transformation sound effect.
It's big robots beating the shit out of each other! How can you fuck this up?!?
I hate you, Michael Bay. You're the Uwe Boll of action movies.