Here's my one paragraph no-spoiler synopsis of Michael Bay's Transformers: It didn't suck as bad as I thought it would. There was suck in this film, but it was just the people. Eventually, robots try to kill each other, and it is good.
There were way too many people for a movie about robots. Here is a list of the human characters this movie has to offer:
- The endearing soldier with a family back home, designed to appeal to 20 somethings
- The endearing soldier's minority buddies
- Smartass hormonal teenager designed to appeal to kids under 20
- Teenager's bad-girl love interest
- Some government guys who were way too respectable
- Some smarmy government guys who weren't even beleavably smarmy
- Some hacker kids that the plot forgot about halfway through and were never heard from again
- The plot of Independance Day (not really a character, but it deserved it's own bullet point anyway)
- Annoying parents
The parents really were the shit gem of the shit crown that adorned the head of this movie's shitty character development. The parents appeared to be about three generations behind the times, had more screen time then Megatron and more lines than Optimus Prime. My only explination is that Michael Bay takes secret sexual pleasure from patrinizing and agrivating the crap out of his audience. This embarassing excuse for plot development went on for two thirds of the movie. On more then one occation, I had to turn to Big Josh and ask when robots would start throwing eachother through buildings.
Fortunately, Michael Bay found it in his heart to squeeze in a few minutes of big fucking robots throwing eachother through mother fucking buildings. Sure, there were discrepancies from the original cartoon, but that's the Joshes' juristiction. What I will say is that when I heard Peter Cullen saying "My name is Optimus Prime," I shed a tear and thought to myself "Oh shit, it's Optimus Prime." Forget the fruity flame-job paint. I was in HIS presence. He was there. He looked at me, and he told me everything would be alright. And god damnit, I felt it. Fuck you, Michael Bay, your movie was only cool because it had Optimus Fucking Prime in it. Low blow, Mr. Bay. I hate you more then Pearl Harbor sucked.
And so, loyal Splurd readers, I suggest you go see Michael Bay's Transformers. Once you sit down, take about an 80 minute nap, then wake up to see Prime no-sell Bonecrusher. You'll have a good time from then on in. I give it 3.5 beers.