posted April 16, 2006 by Jer

JerI hear you folks are upset we haven't been updating. Well personally, I was waiting on some big news to share. And here is it. Publication of The Elves of Iax will not be funded by the Xeric Foundation.

As rejection letters go, it's not all that bad. The Statler and Waldorf stamp was a swift kick in the pork, though.

You might imagine I was a bit angry this morning. Rejections are so much more intense when you've been waiting for them for three and a half months. Remember that rejection letter you got from the college you really hoped to get into? Imagine if they hammered the point home by sending you a guy to give you a dog-poo-and-whipped-cream pie in the face and a mousetrap to the ear right after he bangs your sister and posts pictures of you on the Internet wearing the subservient chicken costume. If you were to follow that up by taking a shower in horse-piss using mouldy yogurt for shampoo, you might be close to the emotional state I was in this morning.

Seffinga cheered me up though. Using his professional insight into the comic industry, he took a gander at the folks who have won the grant in the past and found that everyone fits into one of three categories:

1) Minorities and women. If you're not a white male, your almost a shoe in. You don't even have to be any good if you are self-publishing a comic and happened to not be the race-gender mix that pretty much runs the world, let alone writes most of the comics in existence. I can't be too angry about this. Why the hell should anyone give me free money for anything? I'm the least deserving demographic on the planet. I lost points to reverse discrimination? Fine, okay. Moving on.

2) People writing about tragic life stories. This is the bi-product of so many horrible natural disasters and acts of terrorism. The world we live in is so scary that now its all anyone wants to write or read about. If its not a daring story of survival, its a story of living with persecution. See also issue 1. So okay fine. Elves of Iax, in its entirety, is going to get pretty deep. I'm going to be getting into the nature of religion and reasons sentient beings go to war, but right now as a first chapter it looks like a cute little Tolkien-Spawned fantasy land. Okay. I'll live. Next?

3) Well established professional artists who's work is absolutely beautiful but who have been doing this shit for years, make their living at it and totally don't need a grant. I'm going to kill each and every one of these bastards because they don't deserve to live. Yesterday, when I was still blissfully optimistic about this grant business, I was thinking how someday I'll remember the Xeric Foundation for getting me started, and once I'm one of those well established professional artists who's work is absolutely beautiful because they have been doing this shit for years I would contribute back to the foundation in the form of the big fat sacks of cash money. Well now I learn that you guys are giving grants to the bastards who should be Funding You? You asshole elitest favorites-playing Xeric cumguzzlers can tongue my chocolate pucker right before I get some doped up Oz character rejects to rape you to death like they were Reavers so you can be eaten by worms in hell while cute little demons take a dump in your mouth and bolt your eyes open Clockwork Orange style and make you watch Spookies for all eternity. Choke on dead donkey cock and die you skeezy whores.

So I'm rejected, but I don't feel like it was because my work was sub-par. I do think the the book could use just a little more work. Namely, it would be nice if I could show that the story is going to have depth, like a bit of a clever teaser to show people this isn't some happy magical fairy land you're walking into. I think that would really help.

Once the anger subsided and I got a grip, I talked to a bunch of friends and started coming up with a new plan. Elves of Iax will still be self-published, hopefully soon. First on my list though is getting SplurdNet up and running and hopefully selling a couple of ads. I've done a lot of silly projects in my tenure on the Internet but I need to finally do one seriously and make it self-sufficient. After that, I've got a plan for Elves that involves gathering the funding myself. It'll be tricky like Run DMC, but I have it in me. The foundation didn't have the effect I expected, but it did kick my ass in the right direction. Details to come, but the next news you'll hear from me is that SplurdNet is up.

So there's your update. Oh, and have a very lovely The Figurehead of your Religion is An Undead Zombie day. I'm gonna go poison myself with Cadbury Cream eggs. Now go away.