Valentines Day Only Brings Happiness To The People Who Take Your Money

posted February 14, 2006 by Jer


So today is Valentines Day. I did a bit of research, and it turns out there were a bunch of guys who the day might have been named after. My favorite is such: Dude Valentine is called before the Emperor of Rome. I don't know which one... Claudius Flatulus or someshit. Emperor says "Dude! Val! Worship the Statue or I'll cut off your head!" Val says "Fuck you Emp. I roll with the pimp J.C., ya heard?" Emp says "I heard. That's why you're here. Punk, if you don't kiss my statue's ass right now, I'ma cap ya. Decap that is. You got 24 hours." So Val goes to jail and while there, macs on Emp's daughter. "You fine," he says. "I be YO Valentine." Chick says "Aw you're so sweet. I'll make sure that in couple thousand years, Hallmark Corporation makes billions of dollars off your name during the slow greeting-card season." Val says "That's sweet 'o you, baby." Then Emp cuts Val's head off and little candy hearts gush out of his neck. The rest is history.

I discussed the matter with my apprentice, young Allison of The Glomp Army. Allison confesses to me her hatred of Feel Like Crap for Being Single day. To cheer her up, I needed only to reminder her the power she wields. Valentines day may have been commercialized by Hallmark, but women keep it alive. Women build up the expectation of this day so high that men round the western world must either bust their ass to inevitably fail to live up to their wife or girlfriend's expectations, or forget totally and inevitably fail to live up to their wife or girlfriend's expectations. Every year men with some lingering sense of chivalry go to the ends of the earth to please their significant other, only to get the same effect as the men who are smart enough not to care. But you young girls and women out there have the power to break the cycle. Simply don't give a shit about Valentines day! How dare I utter such unromantic blasphemy? Behold: If you honestly in your heart-of-hearts expect nothing, you can't be disappointed. Furthermore, you leave the option open to your husband or boyfriend to actually surprise with his innate chivalry. Besides, if you really just can't kick the obligation habit, you still have your anniversary, which is personalized to you and not corporately mandated.

As for you men out there with unenlightened female companions, all I can suggest is suck it up, jump through the hoops, do as she asks, fail to please her and make sure she is fully aware that the male version of the holiday is only a month away.