Alice Cooper - Dirty Diamonds Tour (Halloween '05)

posted October 20, 2005 by Q

QIf you frequent Splurd, or pay enough attention, you'll realize by now that I have a deep, almost unhealthy love for the Shock Rock God Alice Cooper. It all started over five years ago, when I heard his vocals on "The Garden" With Guns n' Roses. Yeah, I had heard"School's Out", but it didn't grab me yet. My first Coop Album was "Greatest hits." The one from thee 70's. I suppose if you're going to start worshipping someone, you should start with the early stuff. That's the abridged history lesson. Enter the Review.

We walked, my nephew, brother in law (Hereafter referred to as 'brother', because it's shorter.) and I into the theater. It was swanky! The sort of place that shows operas. We head to the t-shirt booth and I get a T-shirt, while my nephew gets a $80 hoodie.

As we sit down, there's "ambient music" in the form of Gn'R's "You could be mind." I am now a very happy Q. The next bout of mood music was some Rob Zombie. Afterwards it was Coop, Coop, and even more Coop.

The opening band was "Still Standing", and they were pretty good. They were a sort of mix of Stabbing Westward and Sum41. I liked that they had no real ego. They weren't shouting "HELLO VANCOUVEEEERR!" over and over. (Unlike...oh...Green Day...). They said all of three things. They knew why they were there. They knew why we were there. It was all good. And they only played for 40 minutes.

The lights went up and more Coop mood music, to which I was sing alonging. Then the lights came down again, and out came the man I worship.

Surprising to me, he opened with "Department of Youth" circa 1975. His second song was "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and my brother sang along. By the middle of this song, my nephew and I ran down to the stage. He was ahead of me, but by the time he reached the crowed, he turned polite. I had his hand in mine and weaseled my way to the front. There was no way I was going to be tame. I wanted this more then I've ever wanted something in my entire life. Well, close to, anyway. So, the closest I got to Coop was about a foot away. He looked at me. The guitarist Damon Johnson came by a lot. I got to touch him. He's actually kind of good looking.

Then Coop did the title song from his new album "Dirty Diamonds". If you've kept up, you know my thoughts on this album. Still, he came out with some silver bead necklaces, putting some in his mouth, and some between his legs. then tossing them into the crowd. I wanted on of those!. Then there was "I'm 18", and some more stuff off the new album.

"Billion Dollar Babies" is the song that got me hooked onto Coop. It's hard, trashy, and has heavy instrumentals. I howled when it's first drum beats were banged out. Alice had a rapier covered in little paper "Alice Cooper" bills which he tossed off the blade, into the audience. I snatched one! Some guy tried to nab it from my fingers, his hand was all sweaty, but I managed to elude him and shove the little piece of fake money in my pocket.

Songs came and went, then Alice broke out the maraca's and his domanitrixx clad, whip wielding daughter Calico, for "Go to Hell". That was hot. Very hot. C' mon, we all know my thoughts on Calico Cooper. Alice and his snake come out for "Welcome to my Nightmare".


Then "Gimme", which is, without a doubt, one of Coop's best. Songs. Ever.

Then the theatrics really start up! A voice says "Alice. You're sick. tell me how it all began." And Alice goes into "The Awakening". Fuckin' THE AWAKENING! That's not even technically a song! It's so vague and not very well known but-!!!

For those who don't follow Coop's song-stories, this song is about a man who kills his wife. Guess who played the wife? Yep, Calico's decked out in bloody paint and a little pink nighty, doing ballet and back flips. I didn't know she could do that. Oh, what's this in Coop's microphone stand? A fuckin' 12 inch bladed knife. He kills Cali.

"Only women bleed".

Then "Steven" starts up, yet another "Holy shit this song is dark and weird and YAY I LOVE IT!" song of mine. Coop is straightjacketed and the guitar work for "Ballad of Dwight Fry" is laid out and again, I howl.

Out comes the guillotine, which, let's face it, is why we're all here. Coop is beheaded and Calico and the executioner fight over the head while "I love the Dead" plays, minus the obscene sex noises, unfortunately. Cali steals the white top hat. That's hot.

Coop is resurrected just in time for "School's Out", and chases Cali away.

The Encore starts with. . . "POISON"! Anyone know this song? Anyone? Seen the video? No? The one with topless women? I recommend it.

More songs play, and during "I Wish I was Born In Beverly Hills", Cali comes back... as Paris Hilton. In a little handbag is a stuffed dog, which mauls her, and she punches out, running off and covered in blood, with paparazzi following all the while. Coop throws around the stuffed dog. "Say bye bye, Paris." Snickers Coop.

Now the stage divers start coming onto the scene and cause trouble. Security rushed them all, six at once! One guy in Coop face paint and a home made "Straight Jacket" (I use quotes because a white sweater with sewn on straps on the sleeves does not a straight jacket make.) eluded security, ran across the stage, almost stepped on me and jumped over ny nephew's head. Dick. Please try not to ruin the concert for the rest of us, k?

Coop introduced the band, and Cali came out for one final appearance. "My little girl!" Coop exclaimed with pride. "Calico Cooper!" She did a slightly sleazy dance, where Coop joined, and Cali looked shocked and ran off. "I don't know where she gets it!" Queried Coop. "And Who am I?" The whole audience answered.

My throat is killing me, my foot is killing me, I'm warm, I'm tired. IT ROCKED!

He's playing again in Chilliwak in a bigger venue, anyone wanna come with me?

Rating: 1.0 vodka