More Cons-101:

posted August 30, 2005 by Con Bard Drew

Con Bard Drew

Okay. Congoing 101 - "How not to be a douchebag.":

You've seen How to NOT be a Douche to your Hotel Room mates. I now present the following: Standing in Line, Elevators, and Hygiene.

Standing in Line:

1. Don't cut in line. This should be obvious, but so many people violate it.

2. Don't send a friend to "Hold your spot" for you, then have 15 people show up for that spot with 20 minutes to go; it is rude. If you can't dedicate the time to waiting yourself, you should have the decency to go to the back of the line when you finally get there. If there are truly extenuating circumstances, appeal to the crowd around your friend; they may be willing to overlook it for an individual person. Bribery helps, bring snacks.

3. If you're actually in line, and need to pee, communicate this effectively to the people next to you in line. 99.9% of the time, they'll have no objections to you taking off briefly to pee, and will usually hold a seat open for you if the line moves up while you're gone. Naturally, if someone else has to pee, please allow them this same courtesy.

4. Feel free to engage those near you in conversation, games, trivia, whatever. Bring a stereo and dance; people may join you. Read a story to each other. Sing a song, you'd be suprised how many fans know all the words to bad 80's tunes. Play Duck-Duck-Goose. Cons are social events, and anyone whom doesn't like to socialize should stay home.

5. Know where the nearest free water-service is. Waiting in line for an hour, you'll get thirsty. Some people take it upon themselves to help the line in keeping watered; these people should be exalted as water-spirit gods. Prostrate yourself before them, they will give you a drink. In cases of dire thirst, bottled water/drinks may be open game. This isn't 6th grade anymore, you don't have to worry about cooties.

6. If you plan to snack, try to bring enough to share locally. If you're eating actual lunch, offer some fries or something. Anything you don't want/can't finish should be offered to the greater immediate area as open game. *Someone* will want it, i assure you.


1. HOLD THE FUCKING DOORS. If you see someone rushing, either put an arm in the door sensor, or press and hold the door-open button (if any).

2. If you are out of immediate line-of-sight of the car, but still nearby, you may call for it to be held. Indicating your preferred direction of travel is best, as it allows those going the other way to move on. Similarly, if you hear someone call for it, hold it for them.

3. Farting will subject you to being dropped off the roof.

4. Allow as many people as will fit safely to ride, but don't overcrowd. Stuffing too many people in may cause someone at the back to have a claustrophobic fit. This is bad.

5. People with carts have priority on and off. Please hold the doors for them, as their hands are obviously full.


7. DO NOT PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS. Anyone caught doing this will be beaten with sticks, and fed to a giant tarantula.

8. STAIRS, MOTHERFUCKER. USE THEM. If you are on one of the first 10 floors of the hotel and aren't disabled/pushing a cart/wearing a Mecha costume, take the damned stairs. There's people on the 25th floor who have been waiting 20 MINUTES for an elevator, because all the douchebags on floors 3 through 10 are too lazy to use the stairs. DON'T BE A DOUCHE. GRAVITY IS YOUR FRIEND.

9. Actually, you're going to become really familiar with those stairs. Some cons get so bad, you just give up on the elevators entirely. 30-story hotel, 3 elevators? STAIRS. Sunday morning? STAIRS.

10. Most hotels also have housekeeping/staff elevators, usually not too far from the regular ones. Learn the location of these; as you'll need them on sunday morning, trying to get your cart down to the car to pack up. I've never been told i can't use them; most places don't care. They're just happy you're not bitching about the delay.


Hygiene is important; as you're much more likely to meet someone who has a shared mutual interest, if you're not repelling hordes of people with your stench. Clean = better odds of hooking up. With us so far? Here's some helpful points:

1. Pack additional clothes. The ones you're wearing now will not last you all three days of the con.

2. Bathe. Typically, it goes something like this:
     Get out additional clothing.
     Enter bathroom, close door.
     Remove currently soiled clothing.
     Turn on water in shower. Place floor-mat on floor.
     Place self under water. Close shower curtain.
     Apply soap liberally to entire surface area of body. (There is always free soap in the bathroom, so there is NO EXCUSE for skipping this step. Remember to unwrap the soap first, or you will be mocked mercilessly till the end of time: "Soap that does not lather is Blue Rock.")
     Lather thoroughly.
     Rinse off.
     Apply shampoo to head hair.
     Lather thoroughly.
     Rinse off.
     Shut off water.
     Get out of shower.
     Hang up wet towel.
     Put on clean unsoiled clothing.
     Apply deodorant to underarms.
     Pick up used soiled clothing, and remove from bathroom upon leaving.

3. Repeat the above at least once per day. Ask those rooming with you to do so also. Doubling-up in the shower is fine, as long as both parties are agreeable. Any more than two in the shower is cramped, and cleaning efficiency is lost.

4. Brush your teeth. You'll be much more likely to get a kiss from your potential love-interest, if your breath isn't causing them to pass out. Clean teeth = better odds of hooking up.

5. Don't make a mess. Keep your soiled clothing together in one spot, preferably a laundry bag. Leaving your soiled clothing strewn about your room will annoy those staying with you, as well as making your love-interest less interested in hooking up with you. Clean room = better odds of hooking up.

Failure to follow the above will result in your being beaten, hogtied, and soaked in lysol. If necessary, we'll set you on fire. Hygiene shouldn't burn, but if it has to, it will.
Don't make us activate the Anti-Funk Liberation Front.

Actually, i want the con swag table to sell soap. Custom soap. I'm thinking pink fight-club inspired bars, with the name of the con molded into the bar in that slanty font.
Available in Ozone, Pocky, and Ramune scents.