RULES FOR NOT BEING A DOUCHEBAG ROOMMATE AT CONS

posted August 16, 2005 by Con Bard Drew

Con Bard Drew

Since Otakon is this week, i figured some people could use a refresher.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. I AM NOT POINTING FINGERS HERE.

....EXCEPT FOR #14. WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE, STOP IT.

1. No sex, in its many colorful varieties, in the room. That's beyond rude and inconsiderate. Go in the bathroom for that shit. And during the midday, preferably. If you gotta do it at night, turn the shower on, and keep the goddamed noise down. Stuff a towl under the door too.

2. Establish a semi-respectable timeframe for going to sleep and waking up. Coming in loud and drunk at 5am is grounds for immediate beatdown. The same goes for waking up to check out at 8am Sunday. (THE DAYSTAR! IT BUUURNS!)

3. Rotate bed shifts, although the person who rented the room has dibs. The floor can only get so comfy.

4. If you snore, let us know in advance. Telling us how to stop it is even better, or we might get creative with the solutions to the noise.

5. Pick up your nasty-ass undergarments when you're not wearing them. Don't leave them strewn about the place like it's your private boudoir.

6: In fact, try to keep your shit in a neat pile. Leaving everything scattered all over is just inconsiderate, and makes it tough to find anything.

7. Never, EVER consume the food/drinks that are pre-arranged in the hotel fridge. They are not por gratis. Those bottles of water the hotel leaves on the table? Those things are FOUR DOLLARS EACH. NO TOUCHY.

8: DON'T FINISH OFF FOOD YOU DIDN'T BRING WITHOUT ASKING. You kill someone's cheetos, they might kill you WITH THEIR SHOE.

9: DON'T TOUCH THE BAR WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION. THIS MEANS YOU. THAT IS NOT YOUR LIQUOR, STOP CHUGGING IT. Only the people who own it are allowed to hand out liquor before noon. That bottle you're trying to drink out of? It cost $48. STOP SWILLING IT LIKE CHEAP WINE. Also, don't mix cream drinks with tequila or OJ drinks. IT IS BAD.

10: IF YOU GOTTA SPEW, SPEW IN THE TOILET. NOT IN THE ROOM, OR THE HALL, OR ON THE BED. You spew somewhere besides the designated porcelain receptacle, and you're fucking SLEEPING IN IT. Actually, how about doing us all a favor, and respect your own limits for once? It might be worth it to not get so trashed that you spew. People might possibly still respect you in the morning. Wouldn't that be nice?

11. If you use the hotel room phone to call any other number than another room in the hotel, the front desk or 9-1-1, we break your fingers. If you don't have a cell to make a call, you bite the bullet and find a pay phone, or ask to borrow a cell. Many of us have free nights/weekends, so it's not a problem. What *IS* a problem? Some hotels even charge you insanely for 800 number calls, so don't use it for any reason other than what is listed above!

12. Try to bring some of your own bedding if at all possible. So, in the likelihood we have more than 4 people staying in the room, we're not fighting over pillows, blankets, etc.

13. Don't be a stank-assed fanboy/girl. Shower. Otherwise, we will hogtie you and apply lysol liberally, until you no longer stink. This may involve flinging your hogtied self into the tub, dumping the lysol on you, and leaving you there for an hour to wallow in it. (..Until someone gets tired of listening to you bellow through the ball gag takes pity on you, and sets you free.)

14: DON'T MAKE A GODDAMMED MESS IN THE BATHROOM. This means to Hang up your towels, pick your nasty-ass hair out of the drain, and wash out the sink and tub when you're done. Wipe down the counter too, it's not nice to pick up soaked towels and have them sop all over the floor when you want to dry off. Also, please don't leave 0.3 square inches of counter space left because the rest of it is covered with your makeup/costume parts/toiletries/shaving shit/et.c. You do that, and we're rinsing your toothbrushes/stuff in the toilet for you. Speaking of which, FLUSH THE MOTHERFUCKING TOILET. If you clog the shitter, you will have to wait there for maintenance yourself, and attend to it until it is clear. if you clog the shitter and leave, we'll be plunging the thing WITH YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

15: DON'T BE A CREEPY FUCKWAD. This means that you need to respect other people's space, and personal boundaries. Also, if you don't know FOR SURE that the other people in the room will be okay with the furry full frontal yiff videos on your computer, don't play them. If we find that you're making other people in the room uncomfortable, you'll be asked to STEP THE FUCK OFF THE BALCONY. If we find that you've violated someone's boundaries deliberately, you'll be asked to go with the gruff men in suits, and take a ride in the car with the blinky lights. If you're lucky, "Tiny" will decide that he wants you to be his Uke.

16: Straighten up the room before you leave. The hotel employees are people too; if you spew in the bed, leave the toilet backed up, and generally trash the place, we're going to extract all the cash out of you we fucking can*, and leave it as a tip for the housekeeping staff. (*even if we have to hold you upside-down by your feet, and shake vigorously.) If you have no money, you will be left as a hostage for said housekeeping staff to extract their revenge upon.

17: Ah yes, the money. Please make sure to pay your fair share. If we find that you've spent your room money on bad HP slash doujin, we're going to be whoring your ass out for free punches to all takers, at $10 a pop. Remember that scene from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, where Jay asks Mark Hamill why he's called CockKnocker? Yeah. I'm sure there's a few people with some pent-up rage that would love to take a pop at your berries. So pay up.

Well, they're more like guidelines, really.

Fair warning, tho.

^___________~

Oh, and feel free to pass it on if you so desire. You KNOW there's someone you know on this list. Here's your chance to let them know their actions bother you, without lots of drama.