The Future is Fucked

posted July 28, 2005 by Q

Q
Cold meat. Mutton pies. Tell me when your mother dies. I'll be there to bury her. I'll be there to bury her. Cold meat. Mutton pies. Cold meat.
That's a child's rhyme from the MTV animated series Ĉon Flux, which was created by Peter Chung in the '90s.

Ĉon Flux was an incredibly risque and violent series for it's time, and here in Canada, it followed "The MAXX" on "MTV's Oddities". An hour of psychotropic cartoons. ROCK!

Today I went to see Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and what was on my popcorn bag? Something advertising this. I twisted my neck this way and that while the soda jerk filled the bag with warm, buttery popped-mais, and once the bag was in my hands, I just gaped.

Oh, I had heard the rumors, I knew it was coming, but seeing it has galvanized me. I can't deny it any longer. It IS happening. It WILL come. And all I can do about it is grouse.

So I will.

In interest of not getting my scanner greasy, I'm not going to scan the popcorn bag, but here is a sample image of live action Ĉon. And here's the Ĉon I know and love. I know that it's near impossible to get Ĉon's measurements, but I can't help think that Theron is badly cosplaying as Ĉon. You know. One of those bad, fat cosplayers who's costume is falling apart. Yeah.

I am by no means calling Miss Theron heavy, but Ĉon is a character who does not translate well into 'real dimensions'. A live-action movie would take away all that is unique about Peter Chung's work. Kind of like how Dark Fury did.

On the web site, you can look at picture galleries. They had Scafandra. SCAFANDRA! Fuckin' SCAFANDRA! She-who's-feet-were-hands! Animated, it looked completely, if not disturbingly natural. In the pictures, it just looks odd. The web site also has a preview for this video game and the upcoming comic book by Dark Horse publishing. They aren't Ĉon Flux. They're not even faithful adaptations. They're something false and plastic and they leave me ashamed to call myself an Ĉon Flux fan.

Close your eyes. Picture "South Park". Now picture "South Park" if people other then Stone and Parker created it. Have I gotten my point across?

I asked my nephew "If you didn't know this was Ĉon Flux, what would you think it was?"

My nephew, having seen a good chunk of Ĉon Flux, particularly the Seraphtrev episode, answered with "I don't know. Just another movie."

I replied: "Yeah. I would think it was 'Underworld II'"

My point is, in another few years, no one's going to remember the unhealthy proportions of Ĉon or the existential wisdom of Trevor Goodchild. No one will shiver at the pained cries of a Seraphtrev, or wonder what a Nargile pellet tastes like. No one's going to hear Ĉon die, only to get resurrected again for another five minute short. If you take away the impossible physics, ridiculous odds, measurements, Drew Neumann's wonderful score, the style and tricks, all that which gives Ĉon Flux her soul, you end up with Underworld all over again.

Let's view a clip, shall we?

I leave you now with Bambara's introduction to a little armless boy.

Hi there, my name is Bambara. I'm a 38 year old Virgo and a former killer who's hobbies include defecating, performing recreational autopsies and drinking rum. I have just recently been given a conscience, and would very much like to help you.