Elektard

posted June 5, 2005 by Big Josh

Big  Josh

Well you waited idly by for a year and change for the blandly mediocre Daredevil's sequel to erode slowly from a point of being a shitty comic book movie to a tragically retarded movie. It decided to brand itself Elektra, but I have aptly retitled it Elektard. Jennifer Garner decides to breathe life back in to her prior role as the extremely corn husker fortified version of Elektra Natchios, who as you all remembered died "tragically" in Daredevil and then is reincarnated for approximately 6 seconds of the movie as a small reminder of what happened in between the 2 movies. It is enough for anyone to go, "Wait, what the hell was that? I didn't stay that dead that long and I have purpose... Kinda." Then there was the training montage showing that Elektard has a mean streak and she whoops men like they're boys with severe fighting deficiency, causing Gen. Zod to boot her out of training to try to look for herself. After soul searching she found out that she is a lame assassin with a heart of gold and a lame batch of powers. Powers like having a pair sai that have sharpened sides, thus giving her two small swords instead of two useful defensive weapons and crappy psychic powers that allow her to interpret her memory of her mother's murders to be Darkness from "Legend," Wrath of "Black Manta," and Liu Kang. Weird.

This next paragraph is me complaining about how lame the antagonist of the film are so here it goes. The enemy clan is entitled "The Hand," which is cool sounding and stuff, but every member of the clan has a weakness. Lame weaknesses like ooh a tree falls on me... Gay! Or ooh you break my neck... Gay! Shang Tsung's kid in the flick gets stabbed by little sword to the chest... Gay! Or check it out a sai can fly pretty far and pin me... Gay!! Look, it goes like this. Story: boring. Heroine: lame. Villains: lamer. Story: weaker than Christopher Reeves is now! The only two good parts were seeing Jennifer in a sexy red corset thingy and watching her make out with that Poison Ivy chick.. and thats it! Splooge.

Rating: 4.0 bong