How to be Annoying circa 1998

posted July 13, 2013 by Jer

Jer

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, this is a glorious day.

Wind the clocks back 15 years. I was in college. The internet was young. There was no Facebook. There was no Reddit. We were barely pulling ourselves out of the primordial Bulletin Board Service pools and into the internet proper. Cat Macros hadn't been invented yet, the funniest thing in the world was "All Your Base Are Belong To Us." In these early days, jokes we would now find on social media were passed via email.

The list I am about to share with you is not my creation. This is humor I thought lost to the annals of time, for it was never posted on a website. However, by fate, I was going through some old boxes of paperwork and found a printed copy. These jokes are lame and some are terribly dated. This list would not survive our fickle modern attention span, but it has a special place in my heart, as it entered my life alongside the promise of endless wonder that is the Internet.

Without further ado, straight from 1998, I give you How To Be Annoying.

How To Be Annoying

  1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green. Insist to others that you "like it that way."
  2. Drum on every available surface.
  3. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
  4. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  6. Ask 800 operators for dates.
  7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
  9. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  10. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  12. Set alarms for random times.
  13. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip."
  14. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  15. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  16. Instead of Jello, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
  17. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  18. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  19. Honk and wave to strangers.
  20. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
  21. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  22. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  23. Wear your pants backwards.
  24. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints buy the cash register.
  25. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  26. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
  27. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
  28. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  29. only type in lower case.
  30. dont use any punctuation
  31. Buy a large quantity of traffic pylons and reroute whole streets.
  32. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  33. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  34. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
  35. Repeat everything someone says as a question?
  36. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  37. Inform everyone you meat of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
  38. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Nevermind, it's gone now."
  39. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  40. Wander around a restaurant asking other diners for their parsley.
  41. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  42. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
  43. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  44. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  45. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  46. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
  47. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  48. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
  49. Finish the 99 bottles of beer on the wall song.
  50. Sing the "This is the song that never ends…" song.
  51. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio and talk to it.
  52. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and start over.
  53. Drive half a block.
  54. Name your dog "Dog," your cat "Cat" and your bird "Bob."
  55. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  56. Ask people what gender they are.
  57. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think!"
  58. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  59. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  60. Forget the punchline to a long joke but assure the listener "it was a real hoot."
  61. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
  62. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  63. Deliberately hun songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  64. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  65. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  66. Make beeping noises when large people are backing up.
  67. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  68. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being the first person in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name. Demand that people pronounce all of the As.
  69. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  70. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  71. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  72. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  73. Ask to "interface" with someone.
  74. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
  75. Sing along at the opera.
  76. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  77. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabatabata-suhWING-bata!"
  78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  79. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your imaginary friend.
  80. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  81. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and scribble their answers in a notebook, muttering something about "psychological profiles."
  82. Incessantly recite annoying phrases such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  83. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "Magic Picture."
  84. Buy excessive numbers of Transformers toys. Play with them in front of your roommate. Occasionally look him in the eye and proclaim "They're more than meets the eye."