Catwoman

posted March 3, 2005 by Jer

Jer

Big Josh said to me once that he will give ANY comic-book movie a chance. We gave Hellboy a chance, and it won. We gave Hulk a chance, and it lost. It was in that spirit that - despite all the reviews, all the better judgment and all the rage - Q, Big Josh and I sat down to give our requisite shot to Halle Berry in Catwoman. Don't worry though, we sat down with plenty of alcohol on hand expecting the worst. Let me tell you, the moment we saw a cat who had too many Mentos breath CPR life into Halle Berry, the lowest of our expectations were far surpassed.

Moments after the minty feline kiss of life, Patience (Halle Berry) leapt up the side of a building. Why did she feel that she could do that? She just knew... that she was on ACID. We go on to see Patience get advice from that old lady that lives with ALL the cats. Except for that cat. See the one chewing on the pack of Winterfresh gum? That bitch is CGed less realistically then Garfield. "Give me some lasagna, Bitch! I just had the first good Monday ever by having inter-species sex with Halle Berry!" Oh, and that cat over there is named Socrates. The movie just turned into Willard. We could feel the stupid "Look Who's Talking" moment coming at any time.

Now then, Patience gets to discuss her near-death cat-astrophe (GET IT! I just pointed out that the first three letters of catastrophe are CAT, making me almost as witty as this movie), so lets talk about our cast full of stereotypes. We've got our hispanic cop, our asian doctor, our artist coworker who's gayer than Liberachi's penis. We were already rocking the stereotypes REAL hard by the time we see the cute multiracial school kids join our cop for a game of hoops. This of course means seeing Patience use her cat powers to play some Harlem Globetrotters shit. Da na na, kick up the urban rhymes. She's playin' some NBA streets on this shit. Not to mention the obligatory booty shots. Oh, Patience, that feline telescope vision doesn't help you judge distance on your slam dunk. Thought I should warn you.

I'm gonna get technical on this one. When catwoman wasn't catwomaning, she was a designer. Funny, I'm a designer. I've never been yelled at because the red wasn't dark enough. Companies have set colors that they give you to use. If I used the wrong color, I would have gotten full-hand point fired like Donald Trump does. No, no boss will yell at you for using the wrong red. Bosses yell at you for accidently using your creativity. If you want to do this movie right, Patience would have given her designs to the boss only to hear him say "No no no, I can't use ANY of these for the cover of Corn Flakes. I need a ROOSTER!" Halle Berry still thought she had her job rough enough to run home and eat 50 cans of Tuna. Listen hun, I know if a cat could do that, it would, but I hate to break it to you: Cats get FAT.

But now Patience is Catwoman, and Catwoman delights in using her new cat powers to take care of her human problems. Like a cat. Her next door neighbors like to party every night. It's kinda funny because they rock and roll every day. I think they got it backwards. Anyway, it's also weird because they're a white biker gang. Poor little un-cat Patience just couldn't speak up and tell the bikers what's what, but oh no, now she's going to get back at the white people. Yeah and there's her little cat buddy, the one who eats all the Spearmint Tic-Tacs, chillin' on the bikes. Yeah cat, take a shit on his bike, he'll hate that. Then Patience busts in on the biker party and gets the glowy Sauron eyes. Was this made by the people who made fucking Birds of Prey? You know what we get instead of Kung Fu? Halle Berry goes crazy with the seltzer water and busts out some tonic-jitzu. Okay great, her cat powers give her good aim with a super soaker. I was trying to pick out where Moe and Curly were hiding among the bikers, cuz this scene was just a two fingered eye poke away from busting out into full fledged stooge-ido.

Okay, Patience, it's time to cat yo-self out. Like A Cat! Patience heads straight home to her box what says "Open in case of dating emergency." Fuck you bitch, Michelle Phiffer had to make hers. And another thing Michelle did better then Halle Berry, she actually learned how to use a whip. She clipped Tim Burton while training! In the FACE! Halle Berry couldn't be bothered with actual training like those Reeves and Fishburn punks from The Matrix. Nope, her whip was ALL CG. Just like her hopping from building to building. You ever played Prince of Persia, Sands of Time? More realistic then CGed Halle Berry. Ever seen Shrek 2 when the ogre turns into a human? More realistic then Halle Berry. In fact, you check out Splurd's own Some Shit about Dinosaurs? The CG dooky that this movie tries to feed us makes Beak's sock puppets look like Jurassic fucking-Allen-Grant-kicking-a-raptor-in-the-pork-and-beans PARK. So Patience can't make her own costume or use her own whip, but she can hot-wire a bike. Is that cuz she's an artist...? who grew up in the HOOD...? I feel like I'm in a Revlon commercial with Halle Berry riding her bike sporting her freshly-chopped and somehow perfectly styled hair. Now she's using her cat agility to sport some mad biking skills. Is this implying that if Spiderman could ride a motorcycle, he'd ride it really good? Cuz if I remember correctly, HIS motorcycle got TRASHED.

So now it's time for Catwoman to steal some shit. LIKE A CAT! You'll notice I'm saying "Like a Cat" a lot. We think that should be the real name of this movie. She just scratched that guy... like a CAT. Cuz she has claws. LIKE A CAT. Yeah, she also drinks her scotch nice and dry, LIKE A CAT. She likes men with barbs on their penis. LIKE A CAT. I think I'm gonna go steal some jewels... like a CAT. I'm going to go to a bar and order a white russian but tell them to hold everything but the cream... like a CAT. I'm going to pull out this DVD, scratch it up and take a shit on it. LIKE A CAT! But I digress. Stealing shit. Catwoman is clever enough to crave sparklies the same night that a pair of (finger quote gesture...) real, (another finger quote gesture...) COMPETENT burglars decide to rob the same store. You know, it took the crew in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels a week to stumble on an opportunity like that, and that was with plausible luck on their side. Also lucky for Catwoman that these guys are about as "Competent" as The Hamburglar. You know how useful shooting into a dust cloud is, but know what's better than that? Cocking your shotgun while firing. Nothing is cool in this movie but that doesn't stop everything from really, truly BELIEVING that it's cool. Next we see Halle Berry fail the Michelle Phiffer meow, and then attempt to do the Bat-Tuci. Is this how all those rappers get their bling, because DAMN, crimes are getting committed. It was about at this point that our brave team of movie watchers realized that this whole train-wreck of a movie was basically The Mask, only without either Jim Cary or The Mask.

We also realized that we needed a break. We were DEFINITELY not drunk enough yet. We honestly had to pause the movie right about here to get more drinks. Beverages this night included Mikes Hard Lemonade, Killians Irish Red and many, MANY Elixirs (Fruit-Punch Gatorade and Vodka). We were wounded, but we'd be DAMNED if we let this piece of shit defeat us. With alcohol at and on hand, we ventured forth.

Patience's little spontaneous adventure makes her curious. Curious LIKE A CAT. So she hits the internet. Hmm, http://cat.woman.org you say? Doesn't her new super cat sight give her problems reading a computer? No, it's her cat INTELLIGENCE that gives her problems, cuz CAT'S CAN'T READ! Time for a trip back to freaky old lady with the cats. Hey old lady, Patience needs some of that good catnip you got. Seriously, what's a dime bag cost. Man there's a lot of cat's round here. What's that one's name? Answer's crazy cat lady: "Gorgonzola. I named my cat Gorgonzola. I named all my cats after cheeses. I used to be a professor of archeology, then I was on coke, and it all went down hill from there. What happened. Did you die? Did a cat breath minty freshness into you? Fuck girl, you be trippin'. Here, read this book. Catwomen are not bound by society. Or gravity. You can fire arrows, bite heads of snakes. Here's your cat mask. I saved it for you. Ben Aflek didn't want it any more, it made his head look fat. Wear it, you can be one of the village people. You can stand next to the indian guy. Also known as Apache Chief. Here put this on and it'll do that crazy wrap around thing just like The Mask." Oh thank god, Catwoman is leaving Crazy Cat Lady's place. We don't like her.

Now the story turns into a mystery. Catwoman's gotta use her cat intelligence to solve a crime. Intelligence that can't read but thinks licking it's ass is a GREAT idea. That's okay, though, she's accessing her memory. Oh, I remember that when I saw it in Robocop. Is there anything new in this movie? Ah, standing in front of the moon, what are you ET now? Time to track down that bad guy, Catwoman. Hey bad-guy dude, Halle Berry is following you. That's pretty hot, right? Oops, fight scene. Where was she keeping that whip? I'm looking and I only see one pocket in that outfit and it's her vagina. I do feel sorry for the security guy who showed up on the scene. "Oh shit, Halle Berry just killed a dude. I don't know if I should call the cops or masturbate. I'll do both." The cops get there and the security guy flexes his security powers in his security room. "Check this out. I can watch TV. Cool, huh? See that there? That's the culprit. She's black, see? Look at her lips. Huh? Huh? Huh?" Now back to our program. OH RIGHT the crime, the one that Catwoman is trying to figure out. It has something to do with this evil lotion. They borrowed Clayface's back-story. Apparently the WHOLE PLOT is about this crazy cosmetic cream that makes you beautiful but is laced with heroin. It's also being publicized by and EVIL company. That's evil pronounced with that cool accent that makes it sound like EE-VILE. Enter Sharon Stone. You put the lotion on the skin or else you get the hose again. Put the lotion in the basket. Put the fucking lotion in the basket! Hey, she put the lotion in the basket. Ironic.

Remember our Hispanic Cop? Time for Halle Berry to go on a date with him. Oh funny, a super-hero going on a date at the circus. Wow Darkman, why don't you go twist some fingers. Nope, instead they hit the ferris wheel. So Patience, hows that boss of yours? Oh he's nice. He fired me. His kind also used to enslave my kind, how you like them apples. Crap, the ferris wheel stalled and we're stuck up here. Wanna make some babies? They'd be all crazy mixed, like part hispanic, part black, and part cat. Is this scene gonna be funny like the scene in Unbreakable when Mr. Glass gets sucked into a juicer and gets spinned around? Whoa, Patience, good move using your cat powers in front of your cop boyfriend to save the ferris wheel victims. "Hey, you looked an awful lot like a cat there Patience." "No, no that's silly." "Wait, do this... 'meow.'" "Meow?" "That's her. Arrest her." Unfortunately that doesn't happen, the date ends peacefully. Time for Halle Berry and her little cop friend to part. "How can I reach you?" "Well, this costume doesn't hide the fact that I'm Halle Berry, so that won't work. Just take my phone. It's got the original Batman theme as the ringtone, so it'll be extra weird."

At this point, Big Josh points out that this movie is as bad as the original Punisher movie. "That sucked hardcore," said Josh. "No, that sucked hardcore's ass so hard, making it even more hardcore, that's how much it sucked. And this movie is climbing that ladder really fucking fast."

Now the movie starts to get really weird. There's some more catwomaning, and a few confrontations with catwoman's future arch-nemesis, played by Sharon Stone. One moment Catwoman is copping a feel. A few scenes later, Sharon's evil boss slaps her, in effect hurting himself, proving what we already knew: Sharon Stone's face is made entirely out of fiberglass. Somewhere in the middle Catwoman is on stage with a bunch of people dressed as fish. Wait, is she part of the show? Is she a cat fish? Is she? She's a cat fish, isn't she? Ah fuck it. Time for another date with cop guy. Wow Patience, you really love your sushi, huh? Actually, catwoman forgot that her human self is allergic to shellfish. In 4 minutes she's going to be swollen up so big she won't fit out the door, let alone into that cat-slut outfit again. GOD I wish that was how the movie ended. Oh, cop boyfriend, there's a few things I need to explain. I really like sandboxes, I piss to mark my territory, and I lick myself clean instead of showering. Some guys dig that, though. do you? Do ya? C'mon. Next Catwoman knows its going to rain before it's raining. One of her cat powers, don't 'cha know. How did you know it was going to rain? Well I've been blinded since my youth ever since I found out my dad was involved with the mob and oh shit that's Daredevil's story right? Damnit.

Now it's time for the CSI moment. See, we're gonna stick this thing inside this box of glass and there's going to be steam everywhere and then STUFF will happen. That's how it works, right? Man, the cops sure got to Sharon Stone's house fast. There must be a black person in a rich white guy's house. "Ooh," says Catwoman as her cop boyfriend shows up. "You're here to kiss me with a gun, right?" Um, say, Catwoman, are you wearing gloves that ACCENTUATE your fingerprints? That's not how you're supposed to... oh never mind.

So Catwoman goes to jail. Doesn't matter. She can fit through the bars LIKE A CAT. Alright though... we've talked a lot of shit about this movie so far, and a good deal of it was just our trying to make some fun out of a largely not-all-that-fun movie... but what happens in Catwoman's little escape from the police station almost breaks us. Halle Berry walks through a wall. A SOLID FUCKING WALL. She's on one side, there's cops all around, then she's on the other side. No. She's not a white-and-black striped jungle cat. Roy did NOT just teleport you while you chewed on Sigfried's head. Halle Berry just BAMFED through a wall. No. She's not Shadowcat. No. No, no, no, no, fucking, no, fuck, fuck-no. FUCK NO. I accepted everything else in this movie as just a not-very-good movie but now, NOW you're just MAKING SHIT UP. This just in, the Green Lantern's ring is working just fine against yellow and The Flash can fly. This movie was not making a whole lot of sense, but somewhere, deep down, I wanted to believe that it sorta made some kind of sense in it's own special, bad-movie way. No. It doesn't even do that. Halle Berry, you may want to stop for a moment and grab a band-aid. Your career is bleeding.

Lets speed things along. I want this to end. Here are some quick snips of shit we talked in the last few minutes of the movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you our new Beauty Cream! It also makes really good dip! What happens if you eat it? It hardens your arteries! HA HA HA ow my heart!

You know what Halle Berry should get in this movie? A missile launcher. Not to stop the bad guys, to blow her self up. That would stop a cat, right? She could blow up. LIKE A CAT. It's that cat intelligence, what can't read but can blow up trucks.

Time for the final confrontation between Halle Berry and Sharon Stone. Thank GOD. I think it's almost over. I have a really bad feeling that this Bullet-punching kung fu sequence is going to fall kind of short in this movie, you know, much like everything else. Oh yeah, I saw that move in the new Splinter Cell game, that was really awesome. I would love this movie if Sharon Stone and Halle Berry both got caught in in bear traps. Now it's the vengeance sequence. Oh, Sharon Stone's got super powers cuz of the cream that turns everyone else into mutants? Wow, that shit's just like radioactivity! You know, this isn't even a fight sequence, this is just Halle Berry punching Sharon Stone for 20 minutes. We couldn't even pretend to be surprised when Halle Berry screamed and then they spliced in another shot of her screaming. Here it comes though, the big "I just schooled you, bitch!" catch phrase! Wait for it... wait for it...

Sharon Stone: "It's over"
Halle Berry: "This is overtime!"

...YAAAY the catch phrase made less sense then the whole rest of the movie! Gaimen Almighty, there's less then 4 minutes left in the movie and I still don't feel the light at the end of the tunnel. We couldn't even make fun of how Sharon Stone fell off the building. It was the most anticlimactic fall ever. If the director of Catwoman isn't thinking "I'm so fired," he fucking should be.

Halle Berry: "I'm not a hero, but I'm not a killer."

Bitch, yes you ARE! You killed Sharon Stone! You ended her life, you see. That's what killing is. Ugh, how much more is there?

Cop Boyfriend "You know, if Patience isn't in her cell by tomorrow morning, it'll be awfully hard to prove she's not Catwoman."

Dude, what year is this? What cop station isn't overloaded with security cameras? This ain't ol' Dodge City, buddy. God, I wish I had written about the "Main Character" T-shirt before on Splurd, cuz that's what this is a case of. I'll explain some other day, it's time to put a stop to this.

So, final verdict on Catwoman? It's not crap. It's worse then crap. There aren't words profane enough to describe how bad this film is but GOD DAMNIT I'm going to try with all my heart. Catwoman was a dump-truck full steaming, festering week-old horse shit that was caught in the rain so it's still moist and squishy that is dumped via high-tech funnel directly into your brain through your eyes whilst highly trained and sadistic technicians shove 6 inch decomposing dead donkey cocks into your ears that some-how, despite severe rigor mortis, fill your already suffering skull with mostly-rotten donkey cum. Were this movie shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Joel would have gutted Tom Servo and Crow to scavenge enough spare parts to build a gun to shoot himself in the shin just to distract himself with searing pain while he throws himself out the airlock into the cold, crushing abyss that is the unloving darkness of space. If Gandhi, Jesus, and Walt Disney were alive and watched this movie together, all three would simultaneously lose all hope in humanity.

Catwoman was very, very, very, very, VERY bad. We give it 5 vodka shots. That's our lowest rating and it's still too nice. If you paid to see it, we weep for your soul.

Rating: 5.0 vodka