John Rambo vs. John Matrix

posted November 25, 2002 by Josh


I was watching a couple of movies and then I started watching Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Alyssa Millano, and Rae Dawn (3 piece thong) Chong and then I's got to thinking, "Who would win in a fight John Rambo or John Matrix?" then I started thinking "Man there both tough as shit but if Jer was using Young Link, he is like Matrix and Rambo after the 'Fusion Dance,'" then i started to laugh.

Anyways if you look at both of there movies (the other 2 Rambo movies do not count), in First Blood Sly plays John Rambo who is a crazed vietnam supa-soldier who is pushe over the edge by the local smokies and he brings down justice to a bunch of hunters and shit, and in Commando Arnold plays Col. John Matrix who is out of being super killer soldier until ex-pal killer Bennet (played very gay like by Vernon Wells) and a bunch of soldiers from some spanish speaking country kidnap his daughter and he is not having any of that and gets her back with extreme force (Duh!!!!).

Both movies show that both Arnold and Sly can play characters in movies but now we have to point counter point both movies to declare the winner.

Rambo is crazy and Matrix is not. (10 points to Matrix)
Rambo is single with no daughter while Matrix is single with a daughter w/ no explanation of where the wife is. (10 points to Rambo)
Rambo has really good eye sight but Matrix can smell his enemies down wind. (15 points to Matrix)
Rambo's enemy is Brian Dennehey while Matrix's is some hairy spanish guy. (10 points to Rambo)
No boobs in First Blood but there is boobs in Commando. (5 points to Matrix)
Rambo creates booby traps in the woods and uses bow and arrows more than guns while Matrix needs to hit the local Wal Mart to get weapons. But Matrix knows where the button is to get the assault rifles. (20 points to Rambo and 5 to Matrix)
Rambo goes against back woods cops with minimal target practice but Matrix goes against a bunsh of spanish soldiers who were taught to shoot by Storm Troopers(which is like beating up the blind, hey that sounds like fun, I mean bad, evil naughty he he..). (15 points to Rambo)
Rambo is all action and direct lines while Matrix is all action and shitty misspoken lines. (Draw)
Neither one has the funny racially driven streotypical black side kick guy that says shit like, "Damn Rambo looks like you are going to get more than a parking ticket after this shit is done, OOOOHHHHH FO' REAL!!!!!." (minus 60 points to both)
And finally Rambo goes home with the Col. with the cute beret while Matrix goes home with Chong and Millano (Woo hoo Threesome). (50 points to Matrix)

And the winner would be Matrix if you want to get tail at the end of the movie, but Rambo would go all stealthy drive a sharpened rock through Matrix's leg and slit his throat but Matrix would put up a fight. So John wins (I am not sure which one though). Thanks for wasting your time reading this.