Better News than The Onion

posted April 15, 2004 by Jer


I hope you all have heard about this. It's serious.

Eight more deaths were reported today linked the the tragic Genital Inflation Disease (GID) epidemic that is appearing in all parts of North America. Despite the best efforts of the medical community, the public remains largely uninformed about the uncomfortable and potentially fatal disease.

GID has been linked to an air-born parasite known as Ronus Jeremiculum. The parasite causes many symptoms, the first and most recognizable being an uncomfortable and unsightly inflammation of the male genitals. Further side-effects include labored breathing and increased blood pressure, and even death if gone untreated.

While the disease is highly contagious, doctors say it is easily treatable, and 93% of cases can be reversed with minimal or no side effects. The danger of the disease seems to be related to the general public's resistance to warning messages sent out by the Doctors' Association for Medical News. While DAMN lacks the funding for a national television awareness campaign, they have spared no expense with a massive e-mail campaign to warn men across the country of the disfiguring and potentially deadly disease.

"I can not understand why our efforts have been so ineffective," explains Dr. Nigel Verdadero in an interview early Wednesday. "The first line of the E-mail explains in no uncertain terms that this is the only solution to penis enlargement. It baffles me why none of the public who have received these notices continue to read the vital information that follows."

In an earlier e-mail campaign, Dr. Verdadero and other DAMN writers explain that there is a simple pill that can solve the penis enlargement situation, and even offer use of their online pharmacy to order the potentially life saving medicine.

Dr. Verdadero is concerned, but says "The only solution to this epidemic is public awareness. Men across the country need to be informed about GID if we are going to save lives." Dr. Verdadero insists that DAMN's efforts will continue to spread the word until the GID epidemic is brought under control. Dr. Verdadero urges "If you receive our latest e-mail campaign, entitled 'What you should know about Penis Enlargement,' please read it carefully and forward it to everyone you can. We must count on the public to help prevent critical effects of undesirable penis size."

The previous news article was fabricated by me (Jeremy Kayes). It is a lie from beginning to end. Stop e-mailing me.