The difference between a Ferrari and a Porcupine

posted October 26, 2003 by Jer


The amusingly intellectual Matt Boyd posted the following link and quote the other day. I was greatly amused by it at first, but the more I think about it the more it bugs me. The quote goes like this.

Vatican City - Masturbation is like owning a Ferrari and driving only in first gear, a senior Catholic theologian said in an article published Wednesday.

"Driving only in first gear, not only do you prevent the Ferrari expressing its full power, but gradually you wear it out and thereby ruin a masterpiece of technology," Father Giordano Muraro wrote in the magazine Vita Pastorale.

On the surface level, this is a reasonable argument for both Catholics and undersexed humans of either gender. However let us explore the alternatives.

(1) Screwing like stoned lab bunnies: The problem with this particular Ferrari is that it requires a member of each gender to drive in anything besides first*. However, irresponsible intercourse leads to the spread of disease and the production of more children then most humans can afford to care for. Not that my ranting is going to stop it from happening—in fact this is widely considered to be the most popular alternative.

*depending on what floats your boat, you really only need two or more humans, but this is the Catholic Church we're arguing with so let's keep to the basics. No offense to the alts out there.

(2) Screwing like stoned lab bunnies with condoms: Birth control is a perfectly reasonable alternative considering the downsides to alternative one. However, humans have become quite good at creating excuses for avoiding protective measures, and many of the tools that prevent pregnancy don't do much to prevent the spread of disease. Plus, let us also note that the above quote was stated by a member of the Catholic Church, an organization who does not allow the use of birth control, since the first thing god said to humans was "be fruitful and multiply."

(3) Sexual Abstinence: Possibly the only alternative to screwing like stoned lab bunnies that the Catholic Church would approve of. Not only is it unpopular and unlikely, we can apply Father Giordano Muraro's own quote, plus the evidence derived from the previous alternatives:

(4) Become a Eunuch: That's right, sell your Ferrari! Sport the genitalia of the angels! Go to Sweden and get that lopoffectomy! Yeah, not likely, right? Well have fun, father Giordano, cuz it's the only other option left.

Right, so you want my advice? WANK! Wank your brains out. No disease, no babies, no need for a significant other! That's right kids, Wanking! It's aerobic and it doesn't make you blind!

I'll probably get into trouble for this essay. Oh well. Here's a shovel. Dig it.