Last Tuesday July 22, Uday and Qusay Hussein were blown to smithereens by US forces. They were fingered by an Iraqi tipster who pointed out a house in Mosul, Iraq to the US. That Thursday, photos were released as proof that the US actually managed to do it.
"The dying part wasn't so bad; it was fairly quick." Said Uday sadly through a medium. "Now that I'm here, I've got my virgins and all. But no one told me they'd all look like my mother!" We tried to get a statement from Qusay, but he was off somewhere complaining and wouldn't respond to the medium. "Part of his application got lost," Uday explained. "They can confirm the honey but they couldn't find the Virgin Voucher. He might have to go back and die again. Sucks to be him!" he added with a laugh.
New York City Hall was in an uproar on Wednesday, July 23 as Othniel Askew, toting a gun, bypassed the metal detector and later shot Councilman James E. Davis, who was his political rival. Mayor Bloomberg is quoted as saying the two men bypassed the metal detectors because Davis didn't have to go through and Askew came in as his guest. Immediately following the incident, Bloomberg ordered anyone and everyone wanting to come into the building to go through the detectors. It turns out that Davis, who was a retired policeman, also had a gun on him but never got a chance to draw or shoot it.
"It was our policy to suspect the general public, because you KNOW how dangerous New Yorkers are," said a security guard who didn't want to be identified. "Also, you never know with these school groups. Schools these days are battlefields! And old people! You can't trust old people!!" The security guard, whose name isn't Jimmy Fields (really, it isn't), then insisted than our crew and equipment be thoroughly searched, even though we were in the restaurant down the street. A cavity search by a crazed rent-a-cop in a restaurant is no fun, dear readers. I promise.
In beefier news, Salt Lake City was the quintessential china shop on Friday July 25th when a rodeo bull named Fear Factor broke loose and wandered the city. Fear Factor broke free from the holding pen and promptly destroyed a table at a nearby outdoor café.
"I know I ordered the steak but I didn't expect it to come to me like THAT," said surprised diner Tom Fleer. Three other diners swore to become dedicated vegans after the incident, rebuffing their beef burritos and burgers on the spot.
"Iraqi terrorists! It's their new bio-warfare!! They're punishing us for eating their sacred animal!" one man screamed and ran panicking in circles long after the bull had been recaptured. After being told that it's basically India, not Iraq, where the cow is sacred, the man began to foam at the mouth. "They have terrorists there too!!" he frothed. Several bystanders kindly informed the man that he was off his rocker and escorted him to a nearby whiskey bottle.